Addendum (possibly contradictory)

People like me (the ones that do that is) because I am afraid. Afraid and incompetent. I'm not so skilled at social interaction that it doesn't take effort. Adhering to social niceties, attending as assiduously to the fact of others' selfhood as I do to my own, is effortful and difficult. I often don't know how, or simply don't enjoy it because it's not as immediately rewarding as more selfish things. And so I, essentially, choose not to put in the effort. I don't want to have to keep up my side of the conversation, or whatever it is. And so I just don't. I don't want to sit still at this party and talk to other people politely. I want to learn about birds or get work done for my comic or see if I can't get some exercise done. I want to dance and draw and do the things that *I* think are fun. Even if that's not common. And the thing is that as far as I'm a bit socially unskilled, I am often very socially aware. Maybe some people might act as I do out of a more genuine interest in acting that way, or rather, the interest is as genuine, but maybe others have a genuine ignorance of what behaviors are expected or acceptable, or are not aware of where their own behavior deviates. I generally do know and am aware, I just don't want to do it. I am afraid of being unable to do it. I think I probably could, but it is hard, and if I try to abide by the rules then I can fail.  So it is always with a mild sense of unease, just a pinch of self-deprecation that I act the way I do in social situations. I opt out. I say, I don't think I can win at this game. So I will play a different one. One that I have control over and therefore can make fun. One that doesn't rely on others to go well for me. 

And then people like me. They think I'm charming. Eccentric maybe, but cute. Who knows what other positive traits they attribute to me. Because I am incompetent, and because I am afraid.


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